64 Ways & 64 Days For Families
(A companion to the Family Pledge of Nonviolence)
Adapted from: "Families Creating a Circle of Peace"
Families Against Violence Advocacy Network (FAVAN)
Jim McGinnis, Ken and Gretchen Lovingwood, Jim Vogt
1996 The Institute for Peace and Justice
Some Suggestions for Developing Respect in the Family
Claim some quality time each day to treat yourself well: Read, take a bubble bath, nap, exercise, walk, meditate - whatever helps you keep your priorities in focus, relieves stress, and gives you positive energy.
"Catch" family members doing good things and let them know it, rather than always catching them doing things you don't like.
Give others words of praise, gratitude, and encouragement when they do something for you, put forth their best effort or when you simply appreciate their company.
Write short notes for others when they are sad, confused, afraid, or upset, affirming your love for them and how special they are. (Very young children can draw pictures instead of writing notes.)
Give frequent hugs, kisses, pats on the back, shoulder or back rubs, and other signs of affection.
Respect others' things and space, never take anything without asking, and let others have the freedom to withdraw to their own space.
Ask others their opinions and feelings and take those opinions and feelings seriously.
Keep secrets and private conversations confidential.
Correct without put-downs, hitting, screaming, name calling, or bringing up the past.
Remove children from a situation or activity if they are disruptive, but allow them to return when they are willing to cooperate.
Give your child opportunities each day to help out.
Encourage a family member who is having a bad day.
Display your child's schoolwork on the wall in your kitchen or family room.
Encourage friendships across racial lines.
Never use or allow derogatory words or jokes based on race, ethnicity, disability or sexual orientation.
Some Suggestions for Improving Communication in the Family
Make time in each day for family members to talk with one another, such as meal time, or before going to bed. Make sure the TV and other time-consuming things don't eliminate conversation time.
Don't be afraid to say how you really feel, especially when these feelings are strong.
Express your feelings with "I" statements, such as, "I feel angry when you say things that way," rather than blame problems on others, such as, "You make me mad."
Find a punching bag, pillow, or old chair which can be used by anyone who is angry and needs something (instead of someone) to punch.
Instead of automatically rejecting or disagreeing with someone's opinion or request, state in your own words what you think the person said to make sure you understood him or her correctly.
Know your threshold for anger. When pushed beyond your limits, do whatever it takes to defuse the possibility of resorting to violence. Count to ten, punch a pillow, take a walk, go for a drive - do whatever works for you.
If it is difficult for you to share your angry feelings verbally, consider writing them. Either way, find a time and place that is good for al persons involved to talk about what is causing the angry feelings.
When you are involved in a conflict, mentally step "outside" yourself and ask these questions: Am I behaving out of a need for revenge or to get my way? Are my actions tearing down rather than building up?
Some Suggestions for Becoming Better Listeners
When someone speaks to you, put down anything you might be holding (for example, the newspaper), look directly at the person speaking, and listen with complete attention and with the intention of learning something.
Remind yourself that people are more important than projects. You can always go back to your project, but you may not get another chance to listen to this person today.
If it's a bad time to stop what you are doing to listen to someone, ask if you could talk in a few minutes or set another time.
Remind yourself that it's people who never get listened to who often become violent or disruptive in order to get attention.
Begin each day with a promise to listen carefully. Perhaps post the phrase "listen carefully" on your bathroom mirror, in your datebook, in your wallet, or on your telephone at work.
Keep a small stone, medallion, or other symbol in your pocket, and hold onto it whenever you are in a situation where you want to be a better listener.
Some Suggestions for Respecting Nature
Plant and care for a flower or vegetable garden together, and perhaps share the "fruits" of your gardening or participate in a community garden.
Plant a tree for each member of the family or in remembrance of a special occasion.
Have each person help in some way with family pets (for example, grooming, exercising, feeding).
Decide together (perhaps once a month at a family meeting) how the whole family will take better care of the environment.
Find out about natural area preservation efforts in your area (for example, The Nature Conservancy or local land trusts), and participate in their work days or ecosystem restoration efforts.
Plan a vacation to a place where you will be immersed in nature (such as overnight canoe trips, campouts, backpacking, etc).
Examine your eating habits to reduce waste (eat leftovers, serve smaller portions, etc.) Decrease your consumption of both foods produced by the inhumane treatment of animals or by wasteful processing and packaging.
As a family or group of families, adopt a zoo animal, tree, or section of a park.
Plan a neighborhood cleanup day with a potluck picnic afterward.
As a family or group of families, write to political leaders I support of parks or conservation efforts. Consider joining an environmental action group.
Some Suggestions for Encouraging Creative Play
Take media violence seriously. Discuss with your children your opposition to TV, music, video, or movie violence that is made to appear humorous, glamorous, or the only way to solve a conflict. Talk about the real-life consequences of being shot with a gun.
Use the presence of toy weapons or violent play as "teachable moments" for telling your children why these bother you. Substitute active play alternatives (playing firefighters, paramedics, excavators, engineers, "outer-space peacemakers," etc.) Or sports activities for violent play.
Substitute flashlights or water hoses for guns to give young children a sense of extending their power or control without pretending to kill others.
Create regular "Wrestlemania" times for children to safely vent frustrations and express pent-up energies with an understanding adult. Establish ground rules and a time limit. (This is a great activity after a long day at school!)
Hold weekly or monthly family fun nights during which you create and play family games or use the activities suggested in "Just Family Nights or Everyone Wins! (See Resources on page 21 in FAVAN's Families Creating A Circle of Peace)
Help organize an "Alternatives to War/Violent Toys" display or fair in y our community or congregation, especially at gift-giving time.
Exchange entertaining, nonviolent, family-oriented videos with friends, or help set up a local video library.
Some Suggestions for Building Courage
Show courage and willingness to stand up for what is right, for example, stand up with your children if they have been wronged and if they want your help.
Intervene prudently in situations where someone is being hurt, bullied or threatened, or seek appropriate outside help.
Challenge persons who use hate words directed at someone based on race, sexual orientation, religion, or other characteristics.
Join local campaigns for safe streets or neighborhoods, and offer your home as a "safe house" or part of a Neighborhood Watch program.
Join or help organize local prayer vigils at places where people have been violently killed, or at a regular or weekly or monthly vigil for those killed during that period.
Promote the teaching of nonviolent conflict resolution and peer mediation skills in your schools.
As a family, learn about the lives of people who have fought for justice and equality for all people.
May Peace Prevail On Earth